love spelled in scrabble tiles

Changes and Changers – Who Sucked the Romance Out of Marriage?

Karin Kallmaker LIFE + STYLE

It is Cause for Celebration

Yesterday afternoon, my partner and I were married by a duly authorized representative of Alameda County, and issued a valid marriage license by the State of California, including its pretty raised seal. Our witnesses were my father and my partner’s brother. My mother and daughter sniffled during the exchange of vows and rings. My son took many photos.

I wore something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue. There were items worn to represent my partner’s parents, who have passed away. Friends sent flowers beforehand, and neighbors congratulated us when we returned. All in all, a wonderful event that recognizes what has existed for decades, and what wills, powers of attorney, adoptions, lending law and even passports issued with the same last name didn’t quite achieve. We are now a family.

Bitter, Party of Two

If you’re looking for a feel-good message you could probably stop reading here, because my feelings about where we now stand legally, and what this struggle has done to “the institution of marriage” have an element of bitterness. What would I have to complain about, after all? Millions of gay couples are not so lucky. Our license was won by decades of struggle* and a huge investment of energy and money.

Well, nothing I’m going to say is meant to denigrate either of those facts. Yes, we benefited from the endless toil and struggle of many activists who wouldn’t give up, and I am sincerely grateful. Many, many people have changed their views and the world is a better place for gay people as a result.

Since when did having access to your civil rights make you “lucky”?

The California Supreme Court ruled that my right to marry my partner has existed all along, and it was wrongfully withheld from me in the past. It doesn’t change the fact that neither of her parents lived to see her married because the right was wrongfully withheld. It doesn’t bring back all the unfair taxation and expense we shared as a couple because of our “single” status, easily adding up to a year’s salary because of unique events.

We shouldn’t have had to have paid for two expensive second-parent adoptions to create our family, and even after that, still sweated in customs’ lines that we’d be separated because a federal bureaucrat decided an adoption from California involving two women didn’t count that day. As with now getting married, even the right to have those adoptions take place was a matter of “luck.” Well, we moved to somewhere that allowed it – “lucky” that we could afford to live there.

As long as access to our civil rights is deemed “lucky” then we tacitly agree that it’s okay for civil rights to be a matter of whimsy and chance. Rights are based on “luck.”

So our struggle isn’t over. It isn’t over until the Full Faith and Credit clause of the Constitution is interpreted – years from now – to really and truly apply to marriage licenses. Not that there isn’t already a library full of case law that says it does, built up when laws banning interracial marriage were used to keep bigoted local communities and states from recognizing mixed-race marriages if a “lucky” mixed-race couple had lived where it was legal. We will have to get it ruled on again. Until then, my partner will still pay income taxes on the “gift” of my health insurance coverage from her employer. Until then, we’re married, but not equal.

Who Took the Romance Out of Marriage?

How unromantic is that? If you’ve read all of the above, you might conclude that, to me, marriage is about taxes and laws. Isn’t it about romance? Isn’t it about love? Why yes, as a matter of fact, it is.

But gay couples who wanted to become a family under the law are not the ones who sucked the romance out of marriage. The people who equated same-sex marriage with bestiality and incest did that.

The people who even now are going door-to-door saying “protect the children,” to try to pass their ballot measure to ban same-sex marriage in California — to take away the right my partner and I were finally told only months ago had been ours all along — sucked the romance out of marriage.

The people who couldn’t give a fig if a partner of decades is excluded from their loved one’s hospital room sucked the romance out of marriage. People who trumped Love with their hatred and meanness, and demonstrated no “Christian” humanity or compassion took romance out of marriage.

Facing decades of petty enforcement (under the guise of God’s work) of administrative edicts and withholding of basic courtesy and decency wherever it was possible to do so, we, as a collective group of couples, were all forced to see only those annoying details, like petty taxation, joint auto club membership, even being able to be certain we had adjacent seats on an airplane, as what marriage was all about.

love spelled in scrabble tiles
A wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of a person’s life, a carefully crafted day of her choosing, or so I’ve heard. We married yesterday because we didn’t dare wait until our anniversary in February, because of the ballot measure. Yes, the date of the marriage is largely meaningless to me as this civil document, to me, merely codifies what has existed for decades. Still, to have the state use one date and us another will annoy every time the date is requested.

Also, amidst my pleasure at the state I live in recognizing my union with my partner as a marriage, I was also recalling that the federal government doesn’t consider us married, and it won’t until it’s forced to do so. On that day, we will have won.

Since when did marriage become about winning? What a mixed up emotional state when one of my first responses to the court ruling was “We won, and the bigots can go f*ck themselves.” Yeah, that’s romantic, all right. It remains tragic that friends who are pleased and proud for us can’t help but add, “Maybe it’ll be legal here someday, too.”

The lost years without a marriage license can never be fixed for any of us. During these historic months here in California, I am getting used to the bittersweet mindset of being part of the change, but not part of the ultimate result.

Like women who never got a chance to compete in collegiate sports before Title IX, nothing can give back lost opportunities once the law recognizes unfair treatment. Those women raised a generation of strong, powerful athletes finally allowed to show what women are capable of achieving.

Love Does Win

I will go on writing stories about lesbian romance and love that are available to anyone who wants to read my visions of life and fulfillment. In spite of where I am in my life, during this time of shadowed transition, I have a position of hope: Future lesbians and gay men of America will grow up in a world where they always could get married. And on the day they tie the knot I hope for them that it is, without reservations, the happiest day of their lives.

Thank you to all the readers and colleagues who have sent their congratulations and support, and to everyone, including our families, who have always supported our relationship.

*Thank you, Del Martin. May the next world benefit as much from your tenacity and vision as this one has.

Follow-up: Mixed Wedding Feelings “I Thought It Was Just Me”

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Comments 15

  1. Pingback: Just Like Everyone Else | Karin Kallmaker - Romance, Women, Words

  2. Pingback: Mixed Wedding Feelings: "I Thought It Was Just Me" |

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  4. Karin! Congratulations and very well said. There was nothing more discouraging than having been turned away in 3 counties in Arizona and 1 in New Mexico when this originally started. BJ and I took part in the Marriage Equality Act in AZ, not so we would be “married” because we know in the eyes of God we are married, (true Christianity has no hate) and that we would help those who are fighting for marriage equality. Maybe one day we will be able to marry in AZ, until then we will not pursue the marriage in any state but our own! That is our right!

  5. Karin,I feel that women of “our generation” are still fighters. We do think that fighting for what we believe is not to forget but to pursuit.I’m so proud of belonging to our generation and of knowing you and supporting you whenever and wherever may be necessary, We, women, are not invisible anymore in this society, That has to count too in any action we take.From Spain,Congratulations!Carmen

  6. Thank you, each and every one, for your posts to my blog. I certainly didn’t expect the response I got from other lesbians, who expressed that they had many of the same feelings of “ingratitude” for our big step forward — and they thought it was just them. I don’t think any of us are ungrateful. It’s impossible to separate the sincere gratitude from the sincere bitterness of the lost opportunities of the past. That’s our place in this part of our history. It’ll be better for those who follow, and I’m hopeful I’ll live to see that day.Karin

  7. Karin,First, Congratulations! Even with the romance sucked out of it-it is still a great thing. Second, I think that your post should be sent in to every major network and have it addressed on the 6pm news that most of middle america has on while they eat so that they can avoid talking.You tell it like it is-and the world needs more of that! To echo so many others-YOU GO GIRL!

  8. P.S. As a “Natalee-with-two-e’s” I try to take special care to spell people’s names correctly, but I just noticed that I had yours mis-spelled, then went on to do the same thing in my comment. I fixed it in my post. Sorry and thanks again! 😉

  9. Love your analysis, Karen. Thanks for sharing! I wanted to share your thoughts on < HREF="" REL="nofollow">my own blog<>, and I couldn’t think of any better way to put it than to < HREF="" REL="nofollow">simply quote you and point people to your blog<>! 🙂

  10. This is a powerful commentary, Karin. I would like to see it on the front page of every newspaper at every breakfast table in America. The celebration and the anger cannot be separated and you have melded them articulately and passionately here. Thank for portraying yet another bittersweet gay experience on this day when gay flags fly at half mast. Lee Lynch

  11. Wow – I agree. We’re getting married by the Mariposa Marriage Commissioner on 9/12 on our way home from Yosemite. We’re truly eloping – they’re even supplying the witness. We haven’t had a ceremony before but want to make a stand and hope any rights we glean will last no matter what happens during the election in November. If there wasn’t a ballot initiative to fight we’d probably wait and do it on our anniversary in January. Now we’ll probably have a party then and send out announcements when we return (and encourage everyone to Vote No on 8).Mazel Tov on your marriage and thanks for your cogent words.

  12. First – congrats to you both. Second – you go girl – tell it how it really feels and how it really is!!

  13. Thank you, Rrrose. And Tom, our favorite response to the door-to-door folks is explaining we’re pagan, which often sends them scurrying away. But I do like your approach!

  14. You go ON, girls!And when those religulous types show up at your door, don’t slam it in their face — invite them in. Offer them a cup of tea. Ask LOTS of questions. If they try to leave, say you’d like to pray with them a bit first, then ask G-d for EVERYTHING you can think of. After all, she has all the time in the world.If you haven’t spent at least an hour with them, you haven’t done your job.After all, every minute they spend with you is a minute they won’t be spreading their lies to other people.

  15. So much I agree with there… Thank you for being yet another pebble on the road to full citizenship. Each one of you who CAN get married, and does so, encourages all the rest of us to forge ahead, to not let “them” dictate how we may celebrate our unions. I am saddened that such a joyful occasion has overtones of bitterness for you. But I am oh, so glad that you can get married. So very glad. May your blessings continue.

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